


Soulmates at the End of the World

by Rini2012



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Beginning of the series, Canon-Typical Violence, Confessing Feelings, Daryl pov, Episode: s01e03 Tell It To The Frogs, Episode: s01e06 TS-19, Episode: s02e01 What Lies Ahead, Episode: s02e02 Bloodletting, Episode: s02e04 Cherokee Rose, Episode: s02e05 Chupacabra, F/M, Glenn being awkward, HRT injections, Hallucination Merle, Hunting, Hurt Daryl Dixon, Internal Struggle, M/M, Merle Dixon Being an Asshole, POV Daryl Dixon, Past mentions of neglect, Psychic Bond, Racist Merle Dixon, Rick Grimes is a good parent, Rick is a loyal husband, Rick is too noble, Rickyl, Scars, Short, Soulmarks, Soulmates, Telepathy, Tracking, dark side of Soulmate culture, infidelity averted, internal struggles, past mentions of assault, past mentions of childhood abuse, the CDC, tracking Sophia, trans!Daryl Dixon, transphobic comments
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:26:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23793073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rini2012/pseuds/Rini2012
Summary: Daryl doesn't want to deal with Soulmark bullshit, especially with the dead rising and killing people. No way in hell is he dealing with his new Soulmark.Updates will be sporadic.
Relationships: Carl Grimes & Rick Grimes, Daryl Dixon/Rick Grimes, Lori Grimes/Rick Grimes, Lori Grimes/Shane Walsh, Maggie Greene/Glenn Rhee, Rick Grimes & Shane Walsh
Comments: 43
Kudos: 93





	1. Tell It To The Frogs

**Author's Note:**

> I've wanted to write this for a while, and I've been wanting to write Rickyl for even longer. I haven't seen past season 5 (got too depressing) but I'm writing with what I've got.
> 
> Also, this was inspired by Hillbilly with a Heart of Gold, but I can't find their story anywhere anymore.

_ ‘Some Soulmarks appear upon meeting a Soulmate, though not for both parties, and the appearance of a Soulmark varies. Some individuals do not gain Soulmarks until they’ve known each other for years, others have one appear upon meeting but not the other. It is unknown why this phenomenon occurs, and a new movement has started where people with different Soulmarks have a romantic relationship. Some of these relationships last just as long as or are as strong as Soulmate bonds.’ _

_ -Dr. Jane Lawson, ‘The Science Behind Soulmarks’, 1997 _

***

Daryl felt a whole clusterfuck of emotions over the course of one day. Mainly, he was pissed off. First he was pissed that his deer got eaten by a fucking walker, then he was pissed that the group left Merle to die in Atlanta, chained like a fucking animal, then he was pissed that Merle hadn’t waited for him to come back, and then he was pissed that everything went belly up and they lost lots of people in their camp. But when he checked his back in the mirror later that night, he wasn’t just pissed, he was fucking  _ furious. _

His back was covered in scars, mostly from his drunk father who thought beating him and Merle was a great way to blow off steam, some from the fights he got into as a kid. Daryl got two tattoos over the worst of them on his right side. He didn’t really care about them, didn't think about them, just let shit be. Thing was, there was a new piece on his back, and it wasn’t a scar, bruise, or anything from today.

It was a fucking Soulmark that looked like a Sheriff’s badge.

Daryl had felt it burn into his skin earlier that day, when he first looked at the asshole who cuffed Merle to the roof. The sting was there and gone before Daryl could even react to it, so he figured it was a bug or something. He didn’t think about it much after he found out Merle was gone and he went back to Atlanta.

Now though, he knew he was absolutely fucked. When it all set in, Daryl smashed the mirror in his tent in a fit of rage. How fucking cruel was it that Rick, the guy who cuffed Merle to a roof, was Daryl’s Soulmate? What kind of fucked up joke was that!? Rick was married for Christ’s sake, he had a  _ kid _ , how the hell was Daryl supposed to fit into that? Rick didn’t even know that Lori was banging Shane before he showed up.

He knew one thing for sure: no matter what, he wasn’t ending up like his ma. Soulmarks didn’t mean a goddamn thing to him if Rick ended up being an asshole.

  
  



	2. The CDC

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Soulmate bond is officially formed.

_‘Early philosophers hypothesized that Soulmates are God’s way of setting events into motion. Plato had written an account where a man and a woman had already been arranged to wed in order to end political strife between two tribes, and on the couple’s wedding night, their Soulmarks appeared. The combined tribe was soon prosperous for 200 years before the Romans invaded for the slave trade. This idea continued into 1595 with Shakespeare’s_ _Romeo & Juliet _ _. The Star-Crossed lovers were Soulmates, and by the end of the play, their families put aside their feud in order to avoid another tragedy.’_

_-Sandy Hopper, ‘Views on Love’, 2003_

***

Rick was dead-set on going to the CDC. Daryl thought it was a dumbass move, so did Shane and everyone else. Thing was, the man had a point about the walkers moving out of the city. When he was hunting the deer, he spotted two other walkers before the one that got the deer, now a whole group of them had come in and almost taken out their camp. Too many people died in one night, and more could come if they didn’t leave. At least there was one man left at the CDC, and he let them stay inside where it was safe.

Daryl wasn’t _supposed_ to care about these people, Merle and him had a plan to steal shit and leave in the night. Thing was, Merle was always the type to think of himself before others. It’s why he shipped off to the army as soon as he turned 18, leaving Daryl to be a human punching bag for their dad. It’s why Merle decided to deal drugs when he came home from being deployed and slept on Daryl’s couch instead of finding his own place without paying a single cent in rent. And somehow, Daryl just kept with him the whole time, just following his lead, because he didn’t want to be alone.

Right now, he felt alone despite being surrounded by people inside the CDC. Everyone saw him as the hotheaded, white trash redneck they couldn’t get rid of, and Daryl knew it. He was just pretending to be angry about Merle to cover up that he was angry about Rick for a different reason. He forgot about it for a bit, now that he was drunk on wine and clean.

In a set of new clothes, Daryl stumbled into the kitchen and found Rick already there, grabbing another bottle of wine. It could’ve been the alcohol or some shit, but Rick looked better now that he wasn’t covered in sweat and dirt. And when he looked up at Daryl, he actually smiled, and it made Daryl feel butterflies in his stomach.

“Settlin’ in?” Rick asked.

Daryl chuckled and went to the cabinet Rick was at. “As soon as I get another bottle in me, I’ll be as snug as a bug.”

He reached into the open cabinet, but he didn’t notice Rick’s hand reach down at the same time and their fingers touched. That one little touch, couldn’t have lasted more than two seconds, sent lightning up Daryl’s arm. They’d never even brushed up against each other before, Daryl kept his distance to avoid… _something_ , he couldn’t remember. He grabbed the bottle and looked up at Rick, and he… had a weird expression on his face. Daryl couldn’t place it, he was too busy feeling a kind of pull toward Rick, like every cell in his body was moving him toward the cop.

Daryl wasn’t sober enough to argue with that feeling. He kept eye contact with Rick as he took a step closer, and Daryl could tell Rick had the same idea as he did the same. They were so damn close he could feel Rick’s breath on his lips. All Daryl could think about was getting his lips on Rick’s, like that would hold the answers to life.

Then out of nowhere, Rick jerked back like a firecracker went off. He turned away and rubbed his left hand over his eyes, where Daryl could see the damn wedding ring.

“I can’t,” Rick mumbled. “I-I’m married; can’t do that.”

Daryl let out an angry breath and uncorked the bottle of wine. “Figured.” He took a swig. “Too fuckin’ loyal.”

Despite that, Daryl could feel the mark on his back burn and he flinched from the pain. What blew his mind was Rick’s hand rubbed at the same spot on his own back, and he got the deer in the headlights look. Daryl could already feel things that definitely weren’t his, because they were too noble and were about Rick’s marriage.

 _‘He knows… he just got his mark.’_

“It doesn’t mean anythang,” Rick realized he’d replied to Daryl’s thoughts, and took a few deep breaths. “I’m still married, Soulmark or not, and I have a son. Don’t tell anyone.”

“Fine by me, I ain’t interested in bein’ a side-chick.”

As Daryl walked (and nearly tripped) out of the kitchen, he tried to block out the new bond and keep his own thoughts in check. It was hard since he was drunk as fuck, but he knew he’d be passed out soon anyway.

***

_‘I ain’t going out like this!’_

That’s all Daryl kept thinking when the doors shut. All he kept thinking when Jenner explained what HITS were. All he kept thinking while he tried to make a dent in the fucking metal door with an ax. All he kept thinking when he went at Jenner with the fucking ax. He could hear the kids’ sobs echo in the room, Jenner’s bullshit about it being an ‘easy way out’, Rick’s calm reasoning. Why the fuck did Jenner let innocent people into this place if he was just waiting for the clock to run out!? They had a chance out there, and he was taking that away! They had kids, for Christ’s sake!

All Daryl could do was keep swinging at the door. In the back of his mind, he could pick up Rick’s conversation with Jenner. How Rick asked for a chance, Jenner’s wife being TS-19, all of it. Daryl didn’t stop swinging until the door opened again. The relief of it only lasted for two seconds before he yelled at everyone to move and he sprinted to get his shit out of his room. He couldn’t blame Jacqui for staying, but that didn’t mean they all had to.

They made it to the ground floor in a minute and a half, and the doors were still fucking shut. T-Dog tried putting in different codes into the security pad while Glenn tried to open the doors. Daryl threw Shane an ax and they started smashing them against the window. They were all desperate to get out and nothing was fucking working! Even Shane’s shotgun didn’t do shit!

“The glass won’t break!?” Sophia asked from the floor.

“Rick!” Carol called out. “I have something that might help.”

Everyone turned and saw her search through her handbag. At this point, Daryl was willing to try anything to get everyone out.

“Carol, I don’t think a nail file’s gonna do it,” Shane said.

“Your first morning at camp,” She said. “When I washed your uniform I found this in your pocket.”

Carol pulled out… a fucking grenade. Rick had a grenade on him all this time and never used it? Guess it was a good thing because Rick took the grenade, put it at the window, and everyone ducked. Like a miracle, the window shattered from the explosion, and the fresh air almost made Daryl tear up like a bitch.

Everyone grabbed their shit and ran out of the building. There were a few walkers they had to put down, but they made it to the cars. They only had seconds left before the building would explode and they had to cross a parking lot. Somehow, Daryl missed that Andrea and Dale were missing, and he realized that when they ran out of the window and took cover.

Daryl hid below the dash of his truck, and it happened. The explosion was _massive_ and he could feel the ground shake as it went down. The sound blocked everything else out and he was sure his truck shifted from the force of it. He’d been on the same block where meth labs exploded or engines backfired, but he’d _never_ heard anything like this. Not even a shootout between gangs was this intense.

At some point, the only thing he could hear was fire and falling bricks, so he looked up. He couldn’t even recognize what they were looking at except for a few destroyed walls. Jenner has been in there, so was Jacqui… now they were gone. Daryl could feel how stunned Rick was, hope just having literally gone up in flames. Now that the CDC was gone, they really were on their own.


	3. End of Discussion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my birthday today. I am officially 23 :)

_ ‘Not every Soulmate needs to be together. Some religious sects have strict beliefs that Soulmates must stay together and serve each other even if the relationship is toxic. This has led to physical, sexual, and psychological abuse from not only Soulmates, but also their families. In my specific sect, they couldn’t find my Soulmate after 300 dates from when I was 12 to when I was 20, so they married me off to a man 30 years older than me and forced me to get a matching tattoo as a fake Soulmark.’ _

_ -Ava Greer, ‘My Life Inside a Soulmates Cult’, 1997 _

_ *** _

The universe must’ve thought it’d be fucking funny to pair him up with a married man. And to have that man’s wife be Soulmates with his best friend instead of him. He’d seen the matching marks on Shane and Lori’s right hips, a butterfly with purple wings. He knew it was a Soulmark and not a tattoo because the marks always looked like fresh tats that never faded.

Sometimes when he put down a walker, he’d see a Soulmark on them. The person they were had a Soulmate, had a love of their life, and now they were walking corpses. Seeing Soulmarks on walkers just reminded Daryl of the fucked up situation he was in. It wasn’t just that the world ended, but that his Soulmate was a _married_ _cop_ and the cop’s wife was Soulmates with the cop’s best friend. That was a whole different league of fucked up.

After the CDC blew up, the group decided to head back to the quarry to rest for a few days. The campsite they’d left was practically untouched, cans included. Daryl didn’t let himself relax, especially since a bunch of walkers came through the camp only a week ago. Thank god they didn’t need to make a run into the city since they looted a convenience store on the way there.

When he was sure nobody was looking, Daryl got into one of his bags to check on his injections. He knew Rick was talking to Shane and Dale about the drive to Fort Benning, so he thought he wouldn’t be seen. As soon as he reached into the bag, he knew he had trouble. Some broken glass scratched his finger and when he shined his flashlight inside, he saw that two of his HRT bottles were smashed to shit and one syringe was snapped in half.

“Goddammit,” Daryl growled.

“Everything alright?”

Of fucking course Rick chose that moment to talk to him. Least he couldn’t actually see the labels on the remaining bottle from his vantage point, Daryl could make up some bullshit and just block Rick out.

“‘S fine,” He said as he stood up. “Whatchyu want?”

Rick had that ‘I’m gonna talk to you about something serious’ posture going on. Hands on his hips, head tilted, serious look in his eyes. Couldn’t he drop the leader bullshit for one minute?

“We never discussed what happened at the CDC.”

“Ain’t nothin’ to talk about. Place blew up, we’re on our own, just gotta keep movin’.”

“Not that part... What happened the night before that all went down, I shouldn’t have-.”

“Don’t need to talk about that neither,” Daryl interrupted as he started cleaning the glass out of his bag. “Soulmarks don’t mean shit, and I ain’t gonna be your side-bitch. End of discussion.”

Daryl could tell Rick was shocked by his response. Figured he’d be the type to think Soulmarks meant everything, stupid romantic bastard.

“You really don’t care about it?”

“You met Ed, right? You know the kind of shitbag he was to his wife and daughter ‘fore he got bit. He and Carol had matchin’ Soulmarks, you think they were happy?”

“Do you think that would happen here if we decided to act on it?” Rick almost sounded offended.

“I think,” Daryl got up and turned to face Rick fully. “The universe has a fucked sense of humor if they paired me with the guy who cuffed my brother to a roof and left him to cut off his hand. Think what you want ‘bout that, nothin’s gonna happen.”

He didn’t let Rick have the last work, he just went to the edge of the clearing and threw the rag full of glass into the trees. If Rick was smart, he’d let everything be and never talk about it again. It was bad enough that Daryl accidentally tapped into Rick’s thoughts, he didn’t know what Rick tapped into and when. Thankfully, he’d gone back to his tent when Daryl got back to his bike. Hopefully he’d have some peace and quiet for a while.


	4. Sophia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Right when he thought things were looking up a bit, Sophia goes missing.

_‘While Soulmates may not be sexually compatible, asexual relationships between partners have been successful. My Soulmate is gay and I’m straight, but we have a strong relationship and, when needed, we have friends who are okay with pleasing us the ways we need. This doesn’t mean we feel romantic attachment for other people, we just have needs satisfied in our own way.’_

_-Dr. Frank Osmodius, ‘Variations Of Love’, 2005_

***

Riding on Merle’s bike helped Daryl keep Rick’s thoughts out of his head. Something about riding down the highway, wind in his face, the engine roaring, it helped keep his mind in his own lane. Last thing he wanted were memories of Carl as a baby on a road trip. How the hell could a baby puke that much anyway?

But, because fate wanted to be a bitch, there was a whole traffic pile up blocking them. Daryl tried to lead them through, then the fucking RV broke down  _ again _ . On the bright side, it meant they could scavenge for supplies since these cars were practically a goldmine.

“Well, just a small matter of being stuck in the middle of nowhere with no hope of-.” Dale stopped when he noticed the shit ton of cars with perfectly good parts. “Okay, that was dumb.”

“If you can’t find a radiator hose here…” Shane said.

Daryl started going through the back of a car. “There’s a bunch of things we could find.”

“I can siphon more fuel from these cars for a start.” T-Dog said.

“Maybe some water?”

“Or food.”

“This is a graveyard,” Lori cut in, and everyone stopped for a moment. Daryl didn’t really give a shit, but everyone else did. “I don’t know how I feel about this.”

_ ‘Whole fucking world’s a graveyard now’ _ was all Daryl thought, and he got a psychic  _ ‘Don’t say it out loud’ _ from Rick. Soon as they started scavenging for supplies, Daryl responded with,

_ ‘Stay out of my damn head unless it’s life or death shit, got it?’ _ .

_ ‘That’s fair. I’ll do my best to keep to myself, but I can’t guarantee things won’t slip through.’ _

_ ‘Then stop it now and focus on finding supplies.’ _

And Rick did. Daryl let out a breath as he went through a truck. He found some rags, a few granola bars, jerky, and some energy drinks. Not too bad for the first try, and T-Dog already got some gas from a few cars. He could hear Shane and Glenn cheering about finding water in a truck, but Daryl just wanted to tell them to shut the fuck up because they didn’t know what was in the woods.

_ ‘You’ve gotta hide!’  _ Rick pushed through.  _ ‘Get under a car now, there’s a whole group of walkers coming through!’ _

That was a life or death message right there.  _ ‘How many?’ _

_ ‘Few dozen, now hide!’ _

Daryl could see that everyone got under the cars, and he could see a fucking huge group of walkers stumbling toward them. He ducked down to get some coverage behind the cars and headed toward T-Dog to warn him. Daryl couldn’t find him at first, but he saw the fresh blood on a wrecked car and followed it. There was a damn lot of blood, and Daryl knew that T-Dog couldn’t just hide under a car with how much he was bleeding.

He found T-Dog cornered by a walker, his shirt covered in blood, and on the ground. Daryl was able to put the walker down with a knife before it got to him, and Daryl put the corpse on the ground quietly. He put his fingers to his mouth to tell T-Dog to be quiet, and dragged the guy down by his legs so he was laying flat on his back. He put the walker he just killed over T-Dog, then got himself a corpse from a car and did the same. After a few seconds, the walkers came through where they were and the whole time, Daryl hoped they wouldn’t be caught. Rick had told them about the gut stunt he and Glenn pulled in Atlanta, and he prayed that even with T-Dog bleeding, they were hidden enough to ride it out.

After a minute or two, the group of walkers (herd, maybe) seemed to have ended, so Daryl got the corpses off of him and T-Dog. T-Dog looked pretty damn bad and was bleeding still. His shirt was even more soaked than it was when the herd came through, and when Daryl got a closer look, the guy was lucky he hadn’t nicked an artery.

All of a sudden, he heard screaming. It sounded like Sophia. Daryl got T-Dog up and helped him back to the group, where he caught sight of Rick running into the woods. Carol was panicking and sobbing in Lori’s arms, saying Sophia was being chased by two walkers. Damn stragglers none of them noticed.

“Oh my god,” Carol sobbed. “My baby!”

“Dear god,” Dale gasped. “What happened to your arm?”

Daryl got out one of the rags he found and wrapped it on T-Dog’s cut. “Ain’t a bite.” He said.

T-Dog held onto the rag and grunted. “Cut myself on a car. Just need it patched up.”

Glenn led T-Dog to the RV. “There’s some gauze leftover we can use. Dale, is there medical tape?”

“I’ve got electrical tape, should work just fine.”

“Rick go after her?” Daryl asked.

“Ran in without a look back,” Shane answered. “He’ll be back soon with her.”

Even if Daryl said Rick needed to stay in his own head… he needed to know what was going on, to see if Rick needed help and what was going on with Sophia. He went to the water truck to grab some bottles for the group, and at the same time checked on Rick’s side of the bond. He could tell Rick was hiding Sophia near a creek, and was drawing off the walkers chasing after them. He gave Sophia the chance to head back to the highway by drawing them off.

***

An hour after Rick ran into the woods, he came back with some blood on his shirt. He didn’t have any bites or anything, just took down the walkers like Daryl knew he would. Thing was, the first thing he asked was,

“Is Sophia okay?”

“She’s not with you?” Carol sobbed.

“I told her to come back here after I drew the walkers off. She isn’t here?”

Everyone knew right then that Sophia was lost and needed help. So Shane, Rick, Glenn, and Daryl headed into the woods after her. Rick led them to where he left Sophia. It was a sort of burrow made from roots of a tree by the river bank.

“You sure this is the spot?” Daryl asked.

“I left her right here,” Rick pointed further up the creek. “I drew the walkers way off in that direction up the creek.”

“Without a paddle, seems where we’ve landed.”

“She was gone by the time I got back here. I figured she just took off and ran back to the group. I told her,” He pointed to where Glenn was standing by the hill. “Go that way and keep the sun on her left shoulder.”

Daryl could see the tracks in the mud, headed in the direction Rick said. They went out of the water, right where Glenn was standing. Did nobody know how to keep tracks fresh in this group?

“Hey, Glenn,” Daryl said. “Why don’t you step off to one side? You’re muckin’ up the trail.”

Of course Shane, ever the fucking optimist, had a problem with it. “Assumin’ she knows her left from her right.”

“Shane, she understood me fine,” Rick defended.

“Kid’s tired and scared, man. She had her a close call with two walkers. Gotta wonder how much of what you said stuck.”

Well, Daryl could see footprints headed in the direction Rick said to go. So Shane could suck it… why the hell was Daryl so protective of Rick all of a sudden? He never liked Shane as it was, but there was just… something off about him.

“Got clear prints right here,” Daryl said in an effort to not think about it. “She did like you said, headed back to the highway.”

Daryl led the way as he followed the tracks. They went on for a few minutes in the right direction, then just… turned. Daryl kneeled and looked at the tracks closer.

“She was doin’ just fine till right here.” Shane squatted next to him. “All she had to do was keep goin’.” Daryl pointed to another path in the woods to his right. “She veered off that way.”

“Why would she do that?” Glenn asked.

“Maybe she saw somethin’,” Shane suggested. “Spooked her, made her run off.”

“A walker?”

Daryl shook his head. “I don’t see any other footprints, just her’s.”

Which actually made him relax a bit. Sophia didn’t know how to kill walkers and she wasn’t armed. Plus she was too short to smack one with a rock hard enough to kill it. Problem was there wasn’t anything obvious to tell Daryl why she went the other way, not even animal tracks.

“So what do we do?” Shane asked. “All of us press on?”

“No,” Rick answered. “Better if you and Glenn get back up to the highway. People are gonna start panicking. Let them know we’re on trail doin’ everythang we can, but most of all keep everybody calm.”

Shane stood up. “I’ll keep ‘em busy scavengin’ cars, think up a few other chores. I’ll keep ‘em occupied.”

Shane and Glenn headed back, while Daryl and Rick followed Sophia’s tracks. Daryl knew he shouldn’t have thought anything of it, him and Rick tracking Sophia, but it felt like Rick was trying to talk  _ again _ . Well, he wasn’t going to let that happen, so Daryl just focused on Sophia’s footprints.

And he wasn’t going to lie, it felt good being the one Rick relied on for once. Daryl was one of the best trackers in Georgia and one of the best hunters. When you were out of food because your shithead father spent all of his paycheck on booze and drugs, you taught yourself to survive. Sometimes the only thing they’d have to eat was squirrel or rabbit, maybe even deer if they were lucky. Merle couldn’t even keep a legal job for two weeks before his dealing got him locked up again. Daryl got shit for hunting at the time because he hadn’t come out yet, but he was still putting food on the table when they didn’t have shit.

They went on for a while, and didn’t say anything until the tracks were barely visible. Sophia probably heard something and was trying to stay quiet.

“Tracks are gone.” Rick said.

“Nah, they’re faint, but they ain’t gone. She came through here.”

“How can you tell? I don’t see anythang; dirt, grass.”

“You want a lesson in trackin’ or you wanna find that girl and get our ass off that interstate?”

Rick didn’t say anything for a bit, then asked, “Where’d you learn to track?”

“Here and there, mainly taught myself so we could eat. Dad was shit with money, Merle barely made anythin’, had to keep us fed. Sold the pelts on the side for extra cash.”

Daryl let Rick think whatever he wanted about the extra cash. He made a pretty good sum selling pelts in their neighborhood, enough that he could rent his own place after he turned 18 and actually got a doctor to give him the shit he needed. But he didn’t mention how his dad tracked him down and tried to beat him into giving him money when his moonshine wasn’t selling.

Daryl thought all of this while keeping his mind cut off. Rick didn’t need to know that yet.

“Was Merle a hunter too?”

Daryl scoffed. “Could barely track shit, better at landin’ the kill.”

They could hear some rustling nearby, so they both ducked. Rick pointed ahead and they moved forward enough to see a walker. There weren’t any others nearby, just the one, but it clearly just ate. Fuck it, telepathy worked better here.

_ ‘Go to the left and distract it, I’ll get it from behind.’ _

Rick nodded and they both moved quickly. Rick went down the hill in the walker’s vantage point while Daryl went to the other side. He aimed at the walker when Rick whistled, and fired a bolt right through the fucker’s head.

This was going to be fucking disgusting.


	5. His Name Was Sofia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Glenn grabs some extra things that Daryl needs on his pharmacy run, and Daryl has it out with a ghost from his past.
> 
> CW: Merle being a skinhead douche.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not enjoy writing Merle's intolerances. I was tempted to censor the n-word because I'm so uncomfortable with it, but if Merle can say it on TV twice, I should write it here. I'm representing a group of not-awesome people with great pains to my morals. It's not going to be fun writing Merle's shit further down the line.

_‘There have been a few recorded cases of Soulmates inhabiting each other’s minds past the typical telepathy. There has been no specific cause researchers have found for this phenomenon, but some hypothesize that it works as a safety mechanism for when one Soulmate is in grave danger and needs help. Some of the most famous romance stories revolve around this aspect of Soulmate bonds.’_

_-Taylor Caulfield, ‘Benefits Of The Bond’, 1986_

***

Daryl knew something was wrong as soon as he felt a punch to his gut of emotion. It was so strong that he actually fell to the ground like he’d actually been hit. He’d made some shit up about tripping on a rock, but all that echoed in his head was Rick’s voice panicking and crying.

_ ‘Dear god, don’t let him die!’ _

_ ‘Carl, stay with me, stay with me!’ _

_ ‘We’re almost there, just hang on a little longer.’ _

_ ‘God, PLEASE don’t do this!’ _

When the group took a break to catch their breath, Daryl tried to check on Rick.

_ ‘Rick, are you okay? What’s going on?’ _

_ ‘Is Lori with you? Where are you right now?’ _

_ ‘We’re takin’ a break then heading back to the highway. I felt you losing your shit earlier, what’s going on?’ _

_ ‘It’s Carl… he got shot.’ _

Daryl got a flash in his mind of that moment. Carl was looking at a beautiful buck one moment, then a gunshot went off and he flew backwards onto the ground. He could feel Rick blaming himself, and all of the other emotions that came along with a kid getting hurt. Carl was lucky to have a dad like that, willing to do anything for his family. For a moment, Daryl forgot he was connected to Rick and he remembered his dad beating him when he was 10 for wearing Merle’s boots to school.

_ ‘Is that your father?’ _

As soon as he realized it, Daryl pulled back that memory.

_ ‘Didn’t mean for you to see that, forget about it.’ _

And Daryl cut off the connection. Usually that worked for about an hour, so he’d have some time to get his shit straight. Thing was, he couldn’t say anything to the group or they’d figure out he and Rick were Soulmates.

Then out of nowhere a girl came with a horse, told them Carl was shot, and took Lori. And the next day, they all went to the farm the girl on the horse talked about. As soon as Daryl looked at Shane, he knew something was wrong with him. It wasn’t the clothes that didn’t fit or his haircut, but his overall demeanor. Daryl had seen it on guys in his town, the ones who had a gang initiation and just took someone’s life. He wasn’t going to say it up front, but he’d keep an eye on Shane.

They had a funeral for the guy who helped save Carl, Otis. Daryl didn’t know or meet him, but he seemed like a good guy from what Hershel’s people said. They all stood around a pile of rocks that were serving as a kind of memorial for Otis and Hershel gave a sermon. Rick seemed to really feel sad about Otis dying. Daryl couldn’t blame him, the man saved Carl’s life and died for it. Shane though… it looked like he wasn’t really there. He was zoned out constantly and it put Daryl on edge.

“Shane, will you speak for Otis?” Hershel asked.

“Not good at it. I’m sorry.”

“You were the last one with him,” Otis’ wife cried. “Will you share his final moments? Please, I need to hear it. I need to know his death had meaning.”

Shane didn’t say anything for a minute, almost like he was figuring out what to say. “Okay… we were ‘bout done, almost out of ammo, we were down to pistols by then. I was limpin’, it was bad. Ankle all swollen up… “We’ve gotta save the boy.” See that’s what  _ he _ said.” Shane almost said it like he was convincing everyone else it was real. “He gave me his backpack, he shoved me ahead. “Run.” He said. He said, “I’ll… I’ll take the rear, I’ll cover you.” And when I looked back…”

He didn’t finish that, but everyone knew what he meant. The alarm bells in Daryl’s head kept going off from all of this, and he knew Rick would never believe him if he said anything. Rick and Shane had a history way back before the world went to shit, he’d never believe a guy Rick met only a month ago even if they were Soulmates. Daryl watched as Shane limped over to the wheelbarrow of rocks.

“If not for Otis,” Shane said as he got a rock. “I’d have never made it out alive. And that goes for Carl too. It was Otis. He saved us both…” he turned to Otis’ wife. “If any death had meaning, it was his.”

Otis’ wife nodded and started to cry again while Shane put his rock on the pile. Shane went back to his spot, and Hershel ended the service. Daryl didn’t cross himself like everyone else did. He’d given up on praying years ago since it didn’t work. If it did, his dad would’ve gotten sober before he died and Merle would’ve quit dealing when he came home from deployment.

***

Daryl knew Rick was sneaking glances at him, and that Shane was sneaking glances at Lori. They’d only been at the farm a half a day and Daryl could tell that Rick wanted to stay here for good. Lori looked like she wanted to split with Rick, but not for Shane. She was keeping her distance from Shane unless she absolutely had to. Daryl wasn’t an idiot, he wasn’t going to jump on Rick as soon as he and Lori split. They had to think about Carl, and Daryl didn’t know if Rick knew about  _ all _ of him. He’d been in plenty of shitty situations where the guy he liked thought of themselves as open-minded, but then they got to actually fucking and they couldn’t get past the vagina. Only two guys he hooked up with weren’t like that.

Daryl heard Glenn was heading into town for a pharmacy run, but he couldn’t give Glenn the things he needed on the main list. The group may have been accepting of him on the surface, but Glenn was at least a chill guy. So before Daryl headed out, he walked up to Glenn.

“Heard you’re doin’ a pharmacy run.” Daryl said.

“Uh, yeah. Maggie’s gonna take me into town, why?”

“Just, uh…” Daryl got out the list he wrote for himself, that said ‘testosterone bottles’ and ‘syringes’. “Need ya to pick these up. Should be with the prescriptions in the back or wherever the pharmacy keeps ‘em:”

Glenn looked at the list, and his eyes widened. “O-oh. Oh. I had no idea that you were… I mean, you don’t look like...” Daryl glared at him to stop him from saying the thing everyone fucking said. “I’m sorry, that sounded bad.”

“No shit.”

“And I’m not, y’know, transphobic or anything, so I don’t really care-.”

“Just get what I need and keep it quiet. Don’t want the whole camp findin’ out.”

“Sure. Okay, yeah. I’ll just… go then.”

Daryl knew Glenn meant well, but he was damn awkward. He didn’t know how to deal with people or confrontation. No wonder he was a pizza boy.

When Daryl got back from his search, he saw Glenn waiting at his tent with a pharmacy bag. This guy had no idea how to be subtle, did he?

“How’d it go?” Glenn asked.

“Found a hideout a few miles East, small enough for Sophia. You got my shit?”

“Right here.” Glenn handed him the bag. “Had to wait for Maggie to - uh - go outside for me to grab it.”

Daryl looked inside the bag and saw four syringes, two bottles of testosterone, and some alcohol wipes. That’d last him a few months, easy, and he forgot about the wipes to disinfect the needles. He shut the bag and nodded.

“Nice touch with the wipes.”

“My grandma had diabetes and she had to disinfect her needles, so I figured you’d need them too.”

“I do, just forgot to write ‘em down. If you see Rick, tell him to meet me here so I can tell him what I found.”

“Kay, no problem.” He almost walked away as Daryl went inside his tent, but stopped. “Just so you know, I really don’t care about you being… trans. You’re a good guy.”

Daryl just nodded and Glenn left. He had no idea where that came from, but he appreciated it. Not that he felt like part of the group, even with what Glenn said. He was still the redneck asshole who’s brother almost got the group killed twice. Daryl sighed as he put the pharmacy bag into his bike bag. He felt like a damn black sheep even though he was breaking his back to find Sophia.

For a while, he just stayed in his tent and sharpened his knife. He’d probably need to make some arrows soon, they weren’t near a sporting goods store as far as he knew. He’d just need to kill some birds for the feathers and meat before he started.

“Daryl? You in?” Rick’s voice asked outside the tent.

“Yeah, come in.”

Rick undid the tent flap the rest of the way and walked into the tent with the map Maggie gave them that morning. Daryl could feel he was conflicted about something, but didn’t ask. He still wanted them to keep their minds separate as often as possible.

“Glenn said you found somethang today.”

“I did,” Daryl put down his knife and Rick opened the map on Daryl’s cot. “Found a farmhouse, ‘round here,” He pointed on the map. “Had food cans only a few days old, and a bunch of blankets in a cupboard small enough for her to sleep in.”

“Good. Tomorrow we can set up a grid in groups based on that spot. She could still be alive.”

“She  _ is _ alive.” Daryl snapped. “Why the hell is everyone sayin’ she ain’t? It’s only been three days.”

Rick looked shocked, and Daryl went back to his knife and block. Everyone in the group except him and Carol seemed to think she had a chance. She had a damn better chance than he did as a kid when he was lost, she had people looking for her. Practically everyone else either thought she was dead or she was a walker, not even a hint of thinking she was alive. Rick took off his hat and sat down on the cot.

“Somethang I haven’t been able to figure out,” he said. “You’re probably the most determined one in the group to find Sophia. You’re doin’ the most to find her. I was just wonderin’ why.”

Daryl paused for a minute and tried to think of an answer that wouldn’t reveal too much. He couldn’t exactly bring up how his deadname was similar to her’s, or how badly his dad beat him when Merle shipped off to the army. He did tell Andrea about when he got lost when he was seven, so he could at least talk about that.

“Got lost when I was seven,” Daryl said. “Wandered the woods for nine days, ate whatever I could, wiped my ass with poison oak. Dad was off drinkin’ with some waitress, Merle was in Juvie again. I didn’t have no one lookin’ for me, but I found my way home. That girl has a better chance than I did cause she’s got people who care ‘bout her lookin’. Kid just got a chance at life without dealin’ with her asshole father, that’s a damn blessin’.”

“That’s one way to put it…” Rick sighed.

“It’s the  _ best _ way to put it, cause it’s true.”

Rick nodded and rolled up the map. “Thank you, for everythang. We’d be stopped for a day if you didn’t go out today. You’re givin’ her the chance she needs, and we appreciate that. All of us.”

From the bond, Daryl could feel more than gratitude coming off of Rick, and it made him look up. The way Rick was looking at him, it was genuine, kind even. For a moment, it made Daryl think he could walk over and kiss the man, but he knew he shouldn’t. Even if Rick was looking at him like that, Lori was still in the picture as Rick’s wife. Until that ended, they could be friendly. Daryl looked back down at his knife.

“You should check on Carl, probably wonderin’ where you’re at.”

“Right,” Rick got up, put on his hat, but reached into his pocket. “I found these for you. Didn’t have much to do so I just started collectin’ them. I figured you could use them

Rick handed Daryl a small pile of rocks. At first Daryl didn’t know why, but he took a closer look at them and they were a bunch of arrowheads. Daryl sat his knife aside and took one in his hand. Somehow, he actually thought it was sweet that Rick was thinking about him, no one had really done that for him unless they wanted a favor later on. Problem was he couldn’t use the arrowheads, so he had to come up with something else they could use them for.

“Can’t use ‘em for my bolts… but we could, I dunno, make bows and arrows for the kids to use. Case they don’t have a gun.”

“That’s… smart,” Rick agreed, and he looked a bit shocked.

“Thanks.”

Rick gave a short nod and left the tent.

***

Second day on the farm, there were more people than just Daryl searching. Andrea and T-Dog with one of Hershel’s people, and Rick and Shane. Daryl decided to grab a horse from Hershel’s stable to head to the highest peak for a bird’s eye view. He was sure he had a lead, he just  _ knew it _ . He only brought one crossbow bolt with him, he didn’t think there’d be any walkers for him to worry about this far into the woods, they hadn’t seen any wander in.

A few miles into the ride, Daryl stopped the horse because he saw something in the creek down the hill. He dismounted and headed down to what he saw, and found Sophia’s doll. The one Morales’ daughter Eliza gave her before they left. It was all muddy and drenched, either from being left in the creek or washing down it. That was the first clear sign of Sophia he’d seen in days, even better.

“SOPHIA!!!”

Of course, he didn’t hear anything back except some birds. It wasn’t like she heard him coming on the horse and ran for the hills leaving her doll behind. Still, he waited a second for any noise, then headed back to the horse. He still had a couple hours before he had to head back, he needed to keep going.

The calm before the shitstorm only lasted about two minutes. Some birds flew past the horse and it spooked, but not too badly. Daryl was able to calm it down and keep moving. His mistake was that he was too busy scanning the area to notice the snake on the ground. It slithered in front of the horse with a hiss and the horse bucked and flipped the fuck out. Daryl tried to calm it again, but the horse threw him down a cliff into the waterfall and creek below.

He didn’t hit his head bad, thank fuck for that, but his bolt went through his side from the back. It hurt like a bitch and all Daryl could do for a minute was try to breathe through the pain.

“Son of a bitch!” He groaned.

He could smell his blood start to pool around him, and he knew he’d bleed out if he stayed in the water without dressing the wound. He crawled up to shore, got out his knife, and cut off the sleeves of his shirt to fashion a tourniquet. It wasn’t much, but it’d slow the bleeding for a while. He looked up to where he’d need to climb, and it was a really fucking tall embankment. How the hell was he supposed to climb that when he could barely stand? On the bright side, the cliffside was covered in trees, so he could use those to pull himself up.

He kept breathing through the pain while he got a large stick and used it to stand up. To his right, he could hear rustling in the brush near the creek, but there wasn’t any noise, animal or otherwise. That didn’t set right in his gut at all. He needed to move.

Daryl went back to where he fell into the water and started feeling about with the stick for his crossbow. He felt something hard catch on the stick, and he reached down to feel for it. He felt the hard metal of his crossbow, and picked it up. Least that was one thing still intact.

With his crossbow over his arm and the doll in his belt, he started to climb up the big ass cliff. The stick helped him move, but it still hurt like a bitch to strain himself. Every time Daryl used the stick to pull himself up, he groaned because of the pain. He had to stop to breathe in between steps and he didn’t have much strength left. The cliff got steeper which meant he couldn’t use the stick. He threw it up the hill and used a tree to pull himself up.

It was like a routine after that. Use the stick, climb up, breathe, repeat. He didn’t know how long he’d been at it before he looked back down. Daryl could see the creek over a long distance but he felt like he was going to pass out. He couldn’t stop, he had to stop being a little bitch and finish it. He could’ve gotten away with stopping if there weren’t undead freaks wandering around, but that was before.

“Oh, c’mon,” He told himself. “You’ve done half, stop bein’ such a pussy. C’mon.”

He reached up for another tree and pulled himself further. He was just thinking that he had this in the bag when the dirt shifted under him and he lost his footing. He tried to grab another tree, but he just kept falling all the way back down to the creek. And he passed out.

***

_ “I’ll control my people, you control yours.” That sounded like Hershel. _

_ He could see Hershel talk to him when he could see again, but somehow Daryl wasn’t himself. They were behind the house talking, but he wasn’t talking to Daryl. He was talking to Rick. He felt himself nod and start to walk away. _

_ Was he in Rick’s head? How did that work? _

_ ‘Rick,’ Daryl thought, on the slim chance he’d be heard. ‘I’m hurt, can barely move. I’m at the valley part of the creek.’ _

_ Daryl could almost hear Merle laughing at him and calling him names for asking for help. He could feel Rick’s heart start to race, and the man started running. _

_ Thank fuck, Rick was on his way. _

_ This better had not been a concussion dream. _

***

Daryl could hear footsteps, a set of heavy boots approached him; he could smell that all too familiar mix of cigarettes, beer, sweat, and shitty cologne. He cracked his eyes open a bit and could see someone looking down at him. When everything came into focus…

It was Merle.

“Why donchyou pull that arrow out, dummy?” Merle asked. “You could bind yer wound better.”

Daryl almost chuckled, but didn’t have the energy. “Merle.” His voice sounded off, even to him.

Merle chuckled and smiled his smart-ass smile. The same one he gave Daryl whenever he was up to his ears in shit for years.

“What’s goin’ on here? You takin’ a siesta or somethin’?”

“Havin’ a shitty day, bro.”

“Like me to getchya a pillow? Maybe rub yer feet?”

“Screw you.”

“Mm-m,” Merle shook his head. “Yer the one screwed from the looks of it. All them years I spent tryin’ to make a man of you, this what I get? Look atchya, lyin’ in the dirt like a used rubber. Yer gonna die out here, brother. And for what?”

“A girl… They lost a little girl.”

“So you got a thing for lil’ girls now? Make ya a pedo lesbian?”

“Shuddup.”

Even as a hallucination, Merle made jabs at him for trying to be a good  _ man _ .

“‘Cause I noticed you ain’t out lookin’ for ol’ Merle no more.”

“Tried like hell to find you, bro.”

“Like hell ya did. You split, man, lit out first chance ya got.”

“ _ You _ lit out. All you had to do was wait. We went back for you. Rick and I… we did right by you.”

“This the same Rick that cuffed me to the rooftop in the first place? Forced me to cut off my own hand?”

Daryl looked down at Merle’s hand, and it was still there. Daryl knew Merle wasn’t real, it wasn’t possible for him to be here. His hand couldn’t just grow back or get stitched back on.

“This him you talkin’ ‘bout here?” Merle asked. “You his bitch now?”

“I ain’t nobody’s bitch.”

“Yer a joke is what you are, playin’ errand boy to a bunch of pansy-asses, niggers, and Democrats,” Merle chuckled. “Yer nothin’ but a freak to them, redneck trash. And that Shane’ll probably beat you up when he finds out what’s in yer pants, he ain’t got a tight lid on him. Told ya the first night, didn’t I? They’re laughin’ atchya behind yer back. You know that, don’t you? I got a little news for you, son. One of these days, they’re gonna scrape ya off their heels like you was dogshit.”

They wouldn’t do that, Daryl knew they wouldn’t. They were good people, broken but good. And Rick wouldn’t let them single him out if he knew about it. Daryl started to pass out again, but Merle tapped him on his chest.

“Hey,” His brother said. “They ain’t yer kin, yer blood. Hell, you had any damn nuts, you’d go back there and shoot yer pal Rick in the face for me. Now you listen to me,” Merle tilted Daryl’s head to the side. “Ain’t nobody gonna care ‘bout you ‘cept me, lil' brother. Ain’t nobody ever will.” Merle got up. “C’mon, get up on yer feet ‘fore I have to kick yer teeth in.”

Merle started kicking him, and Daryl could actually feel it. How the hell could a dream make him move around? Merle disappeared, but Daryl kept moving. He could hear a snarl, and the sound of leather being scraped. He looked down, and there was a walker trying to take a bite out of his shoe. Daryl panicked and kicked the fucker in the face. He could see another walker come down the creek, but he had to handle this one first. They rolled back and forth, Daryl smashed it in the head with a rock, and soon enough, he had the walker pinned. He used his walking stick to smash it’s face in and stab it in the head.

The other walker stumbled closer and Daryl knew he had to do something quick. Out of options, he pulled his bolt out of him from the front, the fletching went through his wound, and grabbed his crossbow. He didn’t have much time and he was starting to panic. He pulled back the string with the strength he had left and loaded the bolt into it. He shot the walker in the head just in time. After it fell to the ground, Daryl passed out again.

***

_ “Where’d you say he went?” Shane’s voice asked. _

_ “He was headin’ to get a bird’s eye view,” Rick answered. “So he’d follow the creek. The map said there was a valley a few miles up the creek, that’s where he’s at.” _

_ Daryl could tell everyone knew about the Soulbond, goddammit. Problem was, Rick probably couldn’t lie about how he knew Daryl was hurt. They didn’t have walkies on them or cell phones. Didn’t mean Daryl was any less pissed that it was out there now. Maggie pointed on the map to where the valley was, and Rick, Shane, and T-Dog headed into the woods. _

***

Daryl woke up with a groan and sat up. Rick might have been on his way, but he needed to get out of this fucking valley. Daryl took off the rest of his shirt, folded it up, and added it to the tourniquet on his side. It already felt better than having the arrow stuck in there… Merle was fucking right.

“Son of a bitch was right.”

He had to get his strength up again. He went to a log, cleaned off his knife in the water, and cut open the squirrel he shot earlier. He preferred it cooked, but he didn’t have that option right now. He ate the guts and meat, and it already made him feel stronger. After he was done with that, he took off one of the walker’s boot strings, and cut off the bodies’ ears. He remembered his old man talking about what the soldiers did in Vietnam after a fight, and it fit right here.

He put the necklace on and started climbing. Same technique as before to get to the steeper edge, but he felt stronger than he had last time to climb. He was so damn close to the top, and he could hear vultures. He looked up at them for a moment to catch his breath. They probably could see the walkers in the creek.

“Please, don’t feed the birds.” A fucking voice said.

Daryl looked up and Merle walked up to the edge, laughing. “Whatsamatter, Sofia? That all ya got in ya? Throw away that purse and climb.”

“Tough talk comin’ from Merlin.” Daryl snapped, he’d always used Merle’s middle name ‘Lynn’ as ammo. “I liked it better when you was missin’.”

Merle laughed again. “Now c’mon, don’t be like that. I’m on yer side.”

“Yeah, since when?” Daryl started climbing again.

“Hell, since the day you were born, baby brother. Somebody had to look after yer tranny ass.”

“You never took care of me. You talk a big game, but you was never there. Hell, you ain’t here now. Guess some things never change.”

“Well I’ll tell you what, I’m as real as your Chupacabra.”

“I know what I saw.”

“And I’m sure them shrooms you ate got nothin’ to do with it, right?”

“You’d best shut the hell up!”

“Or what?” Merle teased. “You gonna come up here and shut my mouth for me? Well c’mon and do it, then, if you think yer  _ man _ enough.” Merle laughed  _ again _ . “Hey, kick off them damn high heels and climb, son.” 

Merle kept laughing, pissing Daryl off even more. It was pure anger making him climb the rest of the cliff. All his fucking life Merle did this shit, never taking him seriously. Daryl would prove him wrong, it was  _ his time _ now!

“Y’know what?” Merle asked. “If I were you, I’d take a pause for the cause, brother, ‘cause I just don’t think you gonna make it to the top. C’mon, c’mon lil’ brother. Grab yer friend Rick’s hand.”

Daryl grabbed the grass on the cliff, and pulled himself up. His breathing was quick and labored, the pain was skyrocketing, but he fucking  _ made it _ . He pulled himself up and looked around. Merle was gone, thank fucking God.

“Yeah, you’d better run!” He shouted.

Now he had to get back to the farm, his ripped shirt wouldn’t last forever. He decided to follow the pull of the Soulbond to find Rick. He  _ really _ hoped the visions he had when he passed out weren’t just dreams. He could feel that Rick was worried and scared, but how did Daryl know it didn’t just bounce around in his head when he tried to reach out?

He didn’t know how long he was limping in the woods, but he could feel Rick getting closer. Rick had to be in the woods now, he was too close to be on the farm. Daryl completely opened the connection so Rick knew exactly where to find him.

_ “Watch out, Sofia, yer pussy’s showin’.”  _ Merle’s voice echoed.  _ “Ya need a big strong man to save yer ass?” _

“Shuddup,” Daryl growled.

“Daryl!!” A different voice shouted, it sounded like Shane.

“Daryl!” Another voice, probably T-Dog.

Daryl actually smiled when he realized those shouts were real. He really had sent a message to Rick, they were looking for him. He was in damn better shape than when he was seven, he had the group looking for him.

It still wasn’t  _ his _ group, but he’d take advantage of it for now. Safety in numbers and all that.

He could hear a few pairs of footsteps heading in his direction. None of them dragged, and one was running even faster than the others. A bit further in the trees, Daryl could see three figures running through.

“I see him!” Rick shouted.

Daryl threw his arm in the air and limped toward them. He could already feel the tightness in his chest start to unwind with relief. Maybe he would catch a fucking break for once in his life. Rick ran through the brush straight to Daryl. He looked panicked and relieved at the same time, probably thought Daryl had turned from how shitty he looked. He threw one of Daryl’s arms over his shoulder and handed Shane his crossbow. T-Dog took his other arm.

“The hell happened to you?” T-Dog asked.

“Damn horse threw me,” Daryl grunted. “Gonna kill it if I see it again.”


	6. Expectations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daryl doesn't know how to feel about everyone accepting him as he is, and Rick breaks it off with Lori.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to make this 100% clear: If you are pro-cop, racist, pro-Trump, anti-LGBT, or condone the police brutality against PEACEFUL protestors, you are not welcome on my profile or in my stories.
> 
> I support Black Lives Matter as a white ally, and I will NOT tolerate people who support police brutality and institutionalized racism.

Daryl wasn’t exactly happy to let Hershel work on him. In Daryl’s experience, religious farmers didn’t take too kindly to those who were different. He’d gotten the “You’ve ruined what God gave you” speech one too many times and he still couldn’t get a read on Hershel. The man was too damn reclusive.

Rick and T-Dog got him into one of the spare rooms and laid him on his side that wasn’t wounded. Shane came in with the map shortly after as Hershel washed his hands in a wash basin.

“You up to showin’ us where you found the doll?” Shane asked.

“Easy.”

Daryl needed help to sit up and Hershel slid his wife beater off. As soon as his shirt was off, he knew Rick figured out his story, and just the looks he got from Shane and T-Dog confirmed it too. The top surgery scars on his chest were pretty damn obvious because they healed like shit, so were the scars on his back from when his dad beat him, and there was the Soulmark that looked like a sheriff’s badge. Hershel didn’t say anything except explain that he needed to do stitches. Daryl needed to stop thinking his luck was getting better in this world, it was just disappointing him constantly. He looked down at the floor with narrowed eyes.

“Are your injections daily or weekly?” Hershel asked.

Jesus Christ, he should’ve known Hershel would ask shit like that. At least he was just acting like it was business, probably from his years of being a doctor. Daryl would probably get the Bible-thumping after Rick and the others left.

“Weekly,” Daryl admitted. “Got ‘em in the bags on my bike.”

Hershel started dabbing something painful on his wound. “When is your next dose due? I can send Maggie to bring them here if you need your injection tonight.”

“Nah, got two more days till the next one.”

Rick cleared his throat and it seemed to snap everyone else out of their shock. T-Dog nodded then left the room, Shane opened the map, and they all started talking about where Daryl found the doll. It cut the search grid in half, and Rick decided that everyone needed to go out in teams so no one ended up like Daryl. Hershel diagnosed him as dehydrated, had some bruising and scrapes, and he needed to go easy on his stitches.

Shane and Rick seemed eager to get out of the room. Shane tipped his hat and said,

“See ya later…  _ man _ .”

Daryl scoffed and let Hershel apply bandages while Rick and Shane left the room. Thing was, now that he was alone with Hershel, he’d probably be read the riot act about being trans. It happened all the fucking time before. He sighed.

“Say it.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Just get the shit outta the way. Call me a sinner, or a freak, or whatever you’re thinkin’. Heard it all before. Probably gonna hear it from the others. It’s why I don’t pray or anythin’, so just say it.”

Hershel finished up the bandage and stood up. “Son, I say this truthfully and without any doubt. I may be a man of God, but being worldly is just as important as my Faith. What you chose to do in order to become the man you are today is as natural as you waking up every morning or me saying Grace before dinner. And your people, they’ll accept you as you are, because you’re proving your worth every day you search for that little girl. If you don’t have faith in the Almighty, at least have faith in that.” He gave a quick nod. “I’ll have Beth bring you washcloths and water so you can clean up. I wouldn’t recommend you taking a shower for a day or two, until you can be on your feet without help.”

And just like that, Hershel left. Daryl just… didn’t know what to do with that. Growing up where he did, he never got a positive reaction like that. Hershel treated him being trans like it was a walk in the park, nothing out of the ordinary. He sighed and pulled the blankets over himself. He could at least take a nap before he got washed up, then deal with the fuck ton of emotions in his head some other time.

***

Later after it got dark, Daryl could hear everyone settling down in the dining room and kitchen. He’d heard how Carol wanted to make a big dinner for Hershel’s family, and from where he was, it sounded awkward as shit. No one was talking at all, and he could feel the tension on Rick’s side of the bond. The only thing that seemed okay was the smell of the food. Daryl spent most of the day dozing on and off, but soon Carol came in with a tray of food and Daryl covered himself up with the sheet.

“I brought you some dinner,” She said as she sat the tray down. “You must be starving.”

Daryl just looked back at the tray then turned away. He didn’t feel like he could look at her, with Sophia still being lost. He may have found her doll, but that wasn’t the same as finding her daughter. He just hoped the Cherokee Roses weren’t bullshit.

Without a word… Carol leaned down and kissed his cheek. Daryl couldn’t think of anything to say, so he just stared at her. What was with everyone being so nice to him lately? Rick, he could understand because of the whole Soulmate thing, but everyone else… he just couldn’t understand.

“You need to know something,” Carol said, with a look in her eyes that was pure kindness. “You did more for my little girl today than her own daddy ever did in his whole life.”

Daryl knew the word got out about everything, the camp was too small to keep secrets. But Carol still looked at him like she always did despite it, and Daryl didn’t feel like he deserved it. He did a lot of shit he wasn’t proud of, before and after the world ended, finding Sophia was just something everyone else was doing too.

“I didn’t do anythin’ Rick or Shane wouldn’t have done.”

“I know… you’re every bit as good as them… every bit.”

Then she left, leaving Daryl awestruck. He settled back into the bed, but he couldn’t get out of his head how everyone was treating him. Glenn got the things he needed from the pharmacy without question, Rick actually thanked him for helping, Hershel didn’t start bible thumping when they were alone, and Carol thought he was just as good as Rick and Shane. He’d be lying to himself if he tried to say he wasn’t a bit different after the world ended.

When Merle came back from deployment, Daryl had just started HRT and was saving up for surgeries. He didn’t have anyone to observe to be more like a man, so he just watched Merle. Didn’t ask for help unless he was hanging on by a rope, drank beer with the guys, hunted with Merle, and looked out for himself above all, which meant acting like an asshole. He didn’t want to get involved in drug dealing or moonshine like his family, he knew what shit they did to trans guys in prison. He made a living with the pelts he got from hunting and working at the local mechanics, that was enough.

Now… he was confused. He  _ wanted _ to help find that little girl, he actually liked being treated like a person, he wanted to be part of the group. He didn’t know how to feel about that.

***

The next morning, Andrea and Maggie helped Daryl to his tent. He felt a bit better thanks to Merle’s painkillers, but he didn’t feel fully healed or anything. Hershel told him to rest for another day before doing anything to strain himself, so he laid on his cot and poked one of his arrows through the screen. At least his concussion was gone, he didn’t have to hear Merle talking shit in the back of his head.

“Mornin’,” Rick said as he came into the tent.

Daryl looked up. “Mornin’.”

Rick sat down near the cot. “How’re you feelin’?”

“I’ll live.”

Rick sighed and hunched down like he did when he needed to be a leader. “I know you didn’t want anyone to know about the Bond, but I had to tell them so we could come find you.”

“Figured. They’d think you’re talkin’ outta your ass otherwise.”

“And I know you’re worried about what everyone thinks of your… gender identity. No one’s said anythang about it in an intolerant way.”

Daryl sighed. “Didn’t need a report.”

“You didn’t have anythang to be worried about in the first place.” Rick explained. “In times like these, we don’t have the luxury of bein’ prejudiced against others, or we die because we’re alone.”

“I didn’t owe y’all a disclaimer when we met.” Daryl said. “Should’ve heard the shit I got before everythin’ went down, ain’t gonna trust a group of strangers who could shoot me whenever they wanted.”

“I can’t even begin to understand what that feels like. The area I grew up in before I graduated high school was very acceptin’ with only a few intolerant people and I never… I never knew how horribly people who were LGBT were treated until I went to the Academy.” Rick actually  _ blushed _ , how the hell did someone like him blush? “I had kissed a boy at a party my first year of trainin’, and someone who was homophobic saw it, threatened to report it to the Dean, who had a very anti-LGBT outlook. I got scared into datin’ women after that, and at times I regret how easily I was pushed back into the closet.”

Daryl kind of felt honored that Rick told him that. He knew Rick wasn’t gay, he did actually love Lori, but being in the South didn’t always have open minds. Daryl didn’t have the option of hiding, or he’d have offed himself by the time he was 24. Gender and body dysphoria was serious shit and he didn’t feel truly in his skin until after his tits and uterus were gone. He felt like he owed Rick that story after telling him that.

“Bein’ in a redneck backwater part of Georgia, you ain’t got the luxury of hidin’ somethin’ like bein’ trans,” Daryl sat up with a groan and faced Rick. “I always knew I was different. Kept wantin’ to punch kids in the face for callin’ me my deadname, and kids made fun of me for wearin’ things like boys’ jeans to school instead of a skirt. You met Merle, y’know the kind of guy he was, kept callin’ me shit like the other kids did. When he shipped out to the army, I made enough money sellin’ pelts to move out of my old man’s place and start transitionin’.

“Then Merle came back and moved in with me. Said he met some trans soldiers on deployment, realized what I was doin’ ain’t somethin’ horrible, and started callin’ me his brother. Still said other shit to other people on the regular, but started defendin’ me on that. Even beat the shit out of a guy who tried to call me a woman.”

Rick looked shocked, probably about Merle actually being accepting of someone different. Daryl couldn’t blame him, it took months for Daryl to believe Merle had changed his tune on the whole trans thing and wasn’t just talking shit. Kicking that drunk guy’s ass really proved that he was serious.

“Rick!” T-Dog called out. “You ready to head out?”

“Be out in a minute!” Rick shouted back, then he turned to Daryl with a small smile. “Thank you for tellin’ me.”

With a quick nod, Rick got up and left.

***

Daryl had literally been jolted out of his nap by Rick’s emotions. He was absolutely  _ furious _ and shocked and hurt, all toward Lori. It actually gave him a goddamn headache. He tried to block it out, but it was like a freight train bashing into his skull.

_ “DO NOT PUT THIS ON ME!!!” _ Rick screamed in his head.  _ “You tear into me for keepin’ secrets, when you’re - when you’re holdin’ onto  _ **_THIS_ ** _!?” _

_ “You want me to bring a baby into this? To live a short, cruel life!?” _ That was Lori.

Holy shit… Lori was pregnant. And from what he was getting from Rick, she tried to abort it without telling him.

_ “How can you think like that!?” _

_ “We can’t protect the son we already have!” _

_ “So this is the solution?” _

_ “Rick,  _ **_I threw them up_ ** _! I screwed up! I don’t know… how we do this.” _

Daryl tried to block out the rest of the conversation. He got bits and pieces, but he had to put up big ass walls to block most of it out. Then he could tell Rick said,

_ “I can’t live like this anymore… if you’re willin’ to do - to do somethang like  _ **_this_ ** _ , without tellin’ me, how can we make this work?”  _ Rick thought for a moment. _ “I’ll - I’ll help with the baby, I’ll help with Carl, and I’ll protect you all like I have been, but Lori… we can’t do this anymore, not when you’re willin’ to do somethang this drastic without tellin’ me.” _

Daryl could hear Lori start to cry.

_ “I knew it wouldn’t work, it hasn’t worked for a while - I beat myself up over that argument we had before you got shot, but I just… I knew we’d be separated by the end of the year, at least.” _ She took a deep breath. _ “But how do we tell Carl? How do we tell the group? What do we do when we can’t get a divorce and move out?” _

_ “I dunno, we’ll have to figure it out.” _ Rick paused for a moment.  _ “Is there anythang else I should know about?” _

Lori didn’t say anything for a long moment.  _ “Shane and I…” _

_ “... I know; of course I know.” _

Rick seemed to calm down enough that Daryl could block the connection entirely. That was a lot of shit to take in, and he wasn’t even part of it directly. Daryl laid back down on his cot and just stared at the top of the tent. He could get where Lori was coming from with wanting to get rid of the baby, every time it cried would put the group at risk if they were on the road. Plus Lori would need extra care and supplements and shit (he’d seen enough girls get knocked up in high school to know how hard it was).

But then… if they all could raise a baby, and help it grow up into a person who could survive, that could really mean something. Daryl wasn’t really into deep shit, but it could prove they could keep some kind of life going even with the world ending. Rick seemed like a good father, Lori was a good mother (even though she fucked Shane), and Carl was a decent kid. Add everyone in the group, this baby would have one hell of a family looking out for it.

Not like Daryl would ever actually be part of that family. Once they found Sophia, he’d be back to being the redneck asshole everyone just put up with.

***

The next morning, Hershel sent Patricia out to give Daryl fresh bandages and an order to spend two more days taking it easy. Daryl thanked her and when she was gone, he took off his shirt to start dressing the bandage. Now that everyone knew about him, he didn’t care if someone caught a glimpse of his top surgery scars. The best damn thing that happened to him was being able to walk down the sidewalk during a Georgia summer without a shirt like every other guy around town, and no one asked about the scars. If they did, Daryl would make up an excuse like “Went bow hunting with Merle, arrow accidentally went over my chest”. And Merle was usually doped up, so everyone bought it.

Daryl was able to apply ointment and put down some gauze before Rick showed up. Rick stopped for a moment and gave him a once over before he nodded.

“Mornin’.”

“Mornin’,'” Daryl looked back down to apply tape, even though he felt that butterflies sensation again from being checked out. “Two days in a row? Once I’m patched up, I’m plannin’ on sittin’ with everyone else.”

Rick sat down on a crate in the tent with a very serious look. “Lori and I… we decided to…” He shrugged. “Don’t know what to call it when you can’t get lawyers or separate.”

Daryl just kept taping his side. “I know.”

“... you know?”

“With how angry you were? Damn bond woke me up and wouldn’t shut up.”

“How… how much did you hear?”

“You want word for word? Or key points? Cause I blocked out a few things.”

“Did you know  _ why _ we were fightin’?”

Daryl scoffed and grabbed a shirt. “Your thoughts were all over it like moths to a lightbulb, hard to miss it.”

Rick rubbed a hand over his eyes and sighed. “Try not to say anythang. We’re still tryin’ to figure that out.”

“I ain’t a gossip queen, won’t say anythin’.”

“To be honest, we weren’t doin’ so well before everythang went down. Day I was shot, we had an argument that mornin’ that just… it didn’t end well. We hadn’t been good for a while.”

Daryl shrugged the shirt on and asked, “You tryin’ to say you were still hangin’ onto it at the CDC? Even though it was over?”

“I guess I was tryin’ to keep somethang I had before the world ended, even if it wasn’t workin’ out before.”

Daryl scoffed. He couldn’t actually blame Rick for that. The last person Daryl had from before the world went to shit was Merle and he was long gone. Rick had his wife and son despite all of it, something a lot of people lost as soon as it hit.

“You tellin’ me this to get me in bed, Grimes?”

“No, I just thought…” He didn’t say anything for a moment. “I dunno what I thought. Just felt like I needed to tell you.”

Daryl couldn’t help but feel like Rick shouldn’t have told him first. They had a son to worry about, then there was Shane and the rest of the group. Daryl should’ve been an afterthought, not the first thought.

Daryl finished up with his shirt. “Well... thanks then.”

He got up to leave, but stopped when he felt Rick think,

_ ‘You’re not an afterthought, not to me. And others in the group rely on you just like me.’ _

Daryl thought back,

_ ‘I’ll believe it when they stop looking at me like I’m less than them.’ _

_ ‘Who does?’ _

_ ‘Try actually looking at the group, and stay out of my damn head.’ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Think about this: from what I recall, every significant black character in TWD died saving someone else. It's our time to step up and save them.


End file.
